How long can you make thirteen seconds last? Its going to take me just that much time to die. To reach the ground off a 40 storey bldg. Now I don’t want to die. I want it to last forever. I want to feel time infinitely. I now know there is nothing further. Endless nothingness awaits me and I am not prepared. Flash. And I am a child eating apple watching my mother kiss my sister gently. Her soft skin seems to glow brightly. I can smell her now. The child is restless and wants his mother. I cry. The wind blows so hard against my chest now, the force of it tearing my shirt apart. The tears blur my vision. I can’t estimate the distance. I want to go back and remember my past. Just like the movies. I want the one last flash, but it evades me. My end is going to be lonely. I am not going to be remembered. This is it, I tell myself. But for what purpose? Sad ten seconds or happy ten seconds, its all going to end. In a hurry and rather abruptly. Flash. I am still a kid. This time I don’t want to leave this memory. It’s dear. And I am afraid to go back and see the tar road searing back at me. The kid is playing ball with a group of friends. They were the people I’d go on to know the longest. A sudden fight follows and the kid is punched and starts bleeding. He stands up and pushes the bully back. The bully was to be my best friend. I want to move ahead in my thoughts, but am trapped. I know now that time is finite and I must rush through my memory and recall the ones most dearest. Still in the memory, a married man smokes his last cigarette and thinks about his child expected to be born soon. The child reminds him of his wife, when he had just met her. The immediate bond they shared and in the eyes he sees acceptance and love. Flash. I feel a deep burn in my heart now. The heart beats so hard against my chest. All those memories and time seems steady. Nothing seems hurried now. Something feels more appealing now. Something about leaving everything I love seems inviting. Crooked and convoluted but true. I want it to end and soon. Flash. A door shuts down hard. The sound deafens me. I beautiful woman walks out on me. The child stares at me with keen focus. I feel a deep pain. But time does not rewind. People don’t forgive. She walked out on me. All I love is gone now. And time seems infinite, drunk or not, the heart aches. The end seems fitting and death inviting. I must go now. I am ready to die.
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i thought of changing stuff and makin the memories more coherent and meaningful, but what the heck, he is dying. cant help it if he cant think straight.
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i was watchin QI the other day. its the funniest quiz show ever. its so funny everyone can watch it. real smooth. anyway, there was this question "what was unique about good friday 1930 that on radio the played 10 mins of light piano music rather than the news itself on bbc radio". well, turns out there was no news that day! lol, cant imagine it happening now at all. i mean papers and some news channels actually dont have news on so many occasions, ut they do publish crap. it would be so much fun if they played music instead or showed some nice cartoon on tv, or published some sweet stories in the news papers for the lack of news. surely, not every section of the newspaper has news publishable enough, but they do publish something every damn day. weird.
anyway upon knowing the answer, one of the "contestants" in the QI, Linda Smith, said that her favorite headline every was" Workshop man dies of natural causes". Cracked me up.
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press play and wait for song to load. its good. trust me. its 4.5 mb big.
there are two players cos one of em doesnt work well on internet explorer. well use firefox and the 2nd player. thats the best combination.
Somewhere along the way, my hopefulness turned to sadness
Somewhere along the way , my sadness turned to bitterness
Somewhere along the way, my bitterness turned to anger
Somewhere along the way, my anger turned to vengeance
And the ones that I made pay were never the ones who deserved it
And the ones who deserved it, they'll never understand it.
Yes, I know I'm going to Hell in a purple basket
'Least I'll be in another world while you're pissing on my casket.
How could you be, oh
So perfect for me?
Why can't you ignore, oh
The things I did before?
well, the song is so good! i heard this song a coupla days back and really liked it. i obviously loved the starting. there is so much meaning, about a guy who just spirals down the wrong path. it happens so often. its so difficult to realize you are down the wrong path and still extremely hard to turn back. but i thought that was it. that was all that there was to the song, and only after i heard it some 5-6 times did i realize that there is so much more!
i really liked the "how could you be so perfect for me" part, its so smooth. the song is so different from and refreshing yet meaningful, something i thought music lost after the 70s. the stanza captures how we blame others for our failures and hints at something i truly believe to be true- that we never get what we deserve. :)
Somewhere along the way, exacting vengeance gave excitement
Somewhere along the way, that excitement turned to pleasure
Somewhere along the way, that pleasure turned to madness
But sooner or later that kind of madness turns into pain
And the ones that I made pay were never the ones who deserved it
Those who helped me along the way, I smacked 'em as I thanked 'em
Yes, I know I'm going to Hell in a leather jacket
'Least I'll be in another world while you're pissing on my casket
And all that I can do is sing a song of faded glory
And all you got to do is sit there, look great, and make 'em horny
Together we'll sing songs and tell exaggerated stories
About the way we feel today and tonight and in the morning.
the second stanza totally makes me think of the jokers, the comedians, the Pyles, the DeLarges and Bickles of the world. its such a destructive chain. all the vengeance and madness finally gives raise only to infinite pain. all of them are so thoroughly in pain its extremely hurtful to even watch. there is so much madness in the world, insanity gettin people to do horrible things without even blinking. i think there is such a thin line between wanting to hurt someone and goin on to hurt that person. and i think its that line that defines sanity. its cruel.
i truly think that the Joker or DeLarge are in great deal of pain coming from the fact that they are misunderstood and have given up any tries to make people around them understand. finally deciding to give people what they want or expect them to give. Pyles case though, we can see that he is in extreme pain and at the edge of his sanity. he is always on the brink, and through every scene i was expecting him to do something, but even then i was hit when it came.
How could you be, oh
So perfect for me?
Why can't you ignore, oh
The things I did before?
Take all your fears, pretend they're all true
Take all your plans, pretend they fell through
But that's what it's like...
That's what it's like for most people in this world
The rich or the poor Oh,
Muslims or Jews Oh,
When roles are reversed Oh,
Opinions are too..No oh oh
That's all I'm gonna say now
Before they come knocking on my door now
i like the take all your fears and take all your plans part too. its a real nice song. real smooth. and so relevant to the times.
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well, if you can think of killin yourself, then you can kill yourself. its a pity, ending your life. im pretty much against suicide, basically because you wanna do it because you are cornered and fear something terrible is goin to happen. or something terrible has happened and its pushed you towards the end of the world. you see nothin but one option, to slit your wrist and kill yourself so that you dont have to face the future. the reason suicide wont work for me is that i like to live. and even if i live by eating out of a garbage can, ill do so.
i see why people want to kill themselves. but i just cant see myself doin to. like ever. cos i always compare where i am with something even worse. i find it pretty useful also.. its a nice trick.
i actually have thought of many many scenarios where in someone might be driven towards suicide, most of the situations ive put myself in are from movies and books n stuff, and somehow i can imagine myself still wantin to go on and live life! in fact i think it works for everyone, mainly because everythin will eventually fade away and loose importance. there is always an option of startin all over again. say i was the warden in shawshank redemption ha, having to spend the rest of my life with people whom i have tortured is scary. but still, id try to escape first, if not id go to jail. i can imagine myself spending time with all people who hate me and want to kill me or even spit on my face. even though that is a life of no self esteem. its okay. id still want to live. the reason i say so is cos it cant last like that forever, you have to give life a chance to get better, for yourself to be better. well if it lasts forever. hard luck. you just have to try harder to be better.
i was thinkin about wanting to die. now that is different from not wanting to live. i wont do that either. its plain stupid to me. you are goin to get a chance to die, no need to hurry now, is there? :P
well thats that.
****
oh, thats 200 posts for me. next sehwag ka theen so :D
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We are,
but more than one,
each is split,
atomic like.
Apart alike.
The quantum dude,
our god permits,
and lightning strikes.
Not two, but one.
Let us touch the sides
of this world,
reborn.
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